It’s 2am and for some unknown reason, I am wide awake. Toss and turn for 30 mins then decide to get up and fold some laundry. Big mistake! Folding laundry led to putting some of the summer clothes away in a bin. That then led to trying on some of the clothes already in the bin.. Of course I didn’t like how any of them fit and I started crying and yelling at the bin. After this extreme meltdown which are happening more frequent lately, I decided to take scissors and cut up all the clothes! They can’t hurt me if I can’t try them on right! Drastic measure in my sleepy and upset state. Why did I feel the need to try the clothes on so late at night?? Why did I think that would be a good idea?? Thinking back now, I feel bad that I wasted all those clothes.. Someone could have used them! Why is my mind in a constant battle with itself?? What I wouldn’t give to be out of my head for a little while…………..
I struggle with emotional & physical scars. Recently I acquired a few more scars. More disfiguring reminders of my imperfections, more reasons to avoid the mirror. Expressing my thoughts post meltdown after a glimpse of these scars as I apply Aloe Vera Gel and Vitamin E. My attempt at erasing the evidence of everything that makes me feel ugly and broken. Broken in many ways. My mind is broken, it fights me daily. My body is broken, it fights me daily. How do I get my mind and my body to communicate with each other and with me?
Where do I start explaining 20+ years of feeling punished by my own body? How looking in the mirror destroys me to the point of tears and meltdowns. Why does my scale dominate my life? So many questions yet, the answers are no where to be found. This mirror and scale mishmash, for most people tell the truth….. Why not for me? What have I done to deserve such deceit? Why do I let this drive me? I know I shouldn’t step on the scale daily, hoping for it to spit out this magical number. Where did this number emerge from anyway? I try to think back to a time where this number meant nothing to me….and I can’t…. So what is it about this number that has become so predominating. Why has something so meaningless become so detrimental to me for all these years. As this number resonates through me all day, everyday I feel like a failure. I’ve failed to achieve this magical unrealistic goal. I’ve failed to overcome this constant battle of overweight ugliness. The voice of hate and judgement towards myself speaking ever so clear that I have no choice but to listen…….
BDD and Me 