BDD and Me

After 5 years of working with an amazing team who has helped me in more ways than they will ever understand. This was their farewell gift, a lovely necklace and bracelet accompanied by this message! 💕

“Don’t let your mind bully your body“

Life has a way of getting in the way of things. Such is the case with my blog! It has been quite some time since my last post, and I’m promising myself to continue blogging. Self accountability is a must in order to help myself. I met a great therapist who amazingly has been more eye opening and understanding than any of the psychologists I’ve seen during my lengthy struggles with BDD. Was it her approach, her willingness to understand me, her assignments after each session, who knows! What I do know is she helped me navigate my daily struggles. Yes, navigate not fix! Will I ever truly be “fixed”? I worked so hard on myself, coping, navigating, and learning the signs that trigger me and cause me to deviate from my path. Then, like it always does the feelings of inadequacy and self hatred slowly found their way back for more destruction. The feelings pouring over me like a rain storm making it impossible to avoid the drops. Each raindrop telling me I’m not important, I’m unlovable, I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m unwanted, the list goes on and on. I’m saddened to be in this storm again with no shelter in sight.

I know you don’t understand what I go through on a daily basis so I’m going to shed a little light into my world. I wake up every day feeling ugly, feeling fat, feeling disappointed and disgusting. I struggle daily with the scale and fighting the urge to stand on it every chance I get. It’s an addiction and I understand addictions. I have my own addiction which is fighting with my horrible thoughts of myself in a daily basis. Have you ever woken up in the morning and felt like you wanted to be in someone else’s body, someone else’s mind? I wake up like that all the time.. I fight with what I see in the mirror, I fight with what I see on the scale and I fight with the judgmental thoughts of myself all the time. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s still how I feel all the time.

Feeling betrayed by my body and my mind, listening to the voice that constantly guides me down the wrong path to self love. The constant roller coaster of emotional confusion between what my body believes and what I know is right. Trying so hard to fight but yet never feeling like I’m winning! I’ve made more progress this year than ever before in recognizing and fighting my BDD, yet still feel like I’ll never get off this ride!

There is a lot of hatred in my life, I don’t like anything about myself! I hate my thighs, my stomach and my arms. I hate that fact that I don’t weigh 125 lbs. I hate how clothes look on me. I hate the thought of swimsuits and how disgusting they make me feel. I hate that I’m unable to lose the weight I’ve put on. I hate my scars, all of them! But most of all, I hate that I feel this way about myself!

“Mirror, mirror don’t you see! What you show is ruining me!”

I have struggled with meltdowns for as long as I can remember. My meltdowns vary, sometimes they are mini and last about 10 minutes…. Some are intense and can last for an entire day… Sometimes I know when they are coming and I try to avoid them by changing my thoughts, taking a bath, listening to a book on audible, or cleaning. I’ve been successful at detering a few, however most of the time this method doesn’t work. Other times they hit me extremely hard and without warning… All of the meltdowns make me sad, because I don’t look the way I want to. I try on clothes and if they don’t fit right, I’m sad. I step on the scale and when it tells me how much I weigh, I’m sad.. These feelings of sadness cause me to be even more judgmental and harsh on myself. Recently I had a different kind of meltdown, I wasn’t saddened by any of the things that usually creep into my thoughts. I was mad! Anger I had never felt before in regards to my flaws and imperfections. I was mad at the pyjama pants I tried on that didn’t fit right. Mad at the skincare products I use that don’t seem to give me flawless skin. Mad at the tooth paste because my teeth weren’t white enough…. This went on for quite some time and then the confusion set in. Why did I have so much anger this time around? It made no sense to me. Will anger be the direction my meltdowns go from now on?

Thoughts

Sitting with my thoughts usually doesn’t end up well in my case, so I try to avoid it, however sometimes it’s inevitable. I was playing with my dog outside in the snow, I started to wonder what she could be thinking about…. She was carelessly running around and jumping in the snow, waiting with excitement for me to throw another snowball, which she destroys with one bite. She is considered flawed, she has a vision problem which causes her to be somewhat clumsy. She sometimes runs into things and doesn’t always see things in front of her. I love this pooch beyond words and she knows it. She isn’t damaged by her lack of vision, she doesn’t allow it to bring her down, she probably doesn’t even know it exists. She is happy being outside doing what she loves most. I can’t help but smile and laugh at my fur baby. I know she’s not wondering if her vest makes her look fat, she’s not wondering about how much she weighs, she’s not wondering if she should skip breakfast and lunch today! She is content with it all, I would love to know what that feels like……